Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.