Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
These are my roll models.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.