The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.