[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
checking out some reviews of my local library
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Wednesday
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats