Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
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[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
🤣🤣
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*orders delivery*
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.