[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!