Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
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[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Livid.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice