Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
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There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex