Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

🙅🏻