My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
What about second breakfast?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM