Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.