I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.