Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
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<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?