2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
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He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I am, perchance
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.