Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.