A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
💯😂
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.