Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
crazy
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.