I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*Inspirational Tweets*
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”