[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
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Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
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