“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
This meal prepping shit easy
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Erm…
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.