Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
People buying plungers never look happy.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
That lamp looks PISSED.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit