If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.