I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
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Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.