a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
You Might Also Like
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors