This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
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Facebook memories be like
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.