Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You Might Also Like
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
🙂🙃🥹
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet