*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first