My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
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Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”