This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Name this drama.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit