Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
You Might Also Like
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….