STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I ate everything, including the H.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.