I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
me hooking up with my ex
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
beware of dog
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.