[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
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Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.