NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
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I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“OMGJK” -atheists
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The struggle is real
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body