“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Yup
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important