I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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This is sending me to another galaxy
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
it was a valiant fight
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
🤣🤣💀
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.