Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
technically true but not a great slogan
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today