It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain