Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”