Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
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Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas