I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.