I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
You Might Also Like
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Fiction has to make sense.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.