Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
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Well, this explains it:
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I hope they boil the right one.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture