Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)