Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T