I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
grotesque if literal: baby food
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.