I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
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Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]