It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
🤣
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?