As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
This was a bad idea all around
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
is it earth
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.