cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.